Living Again
by Plopper
Summary: Every single day, I wake up knowing that the four closest people in my life are either dead, or as good as dead.


Sighing, I left my room in defeat; there is no way I'll be sleeping tonight. This, being the first time in years since I've stepped foot in Hogwarts, has taken a huge toll on me. I personally didn't know how I'd react to coming back, but it has really surprised me.

It's been years since I've cried over the death of Lily, James, and Peter. And even longer since I've felt anger towards Sirius for what he did to the three of them. Being here, in the same place we all grew up, has brought back so many memories from when we were together.

Leaning against the cold Hogwarts wall, I close my eyes, fighting back the tears trying to escape from them. Sliding down the wall, I feel like a five year old again, wanting nothing more than to be in my mother's arms, to feel loved by someone, anyone.

I'm the last of us now. Sirius is alive, yes, but he's not Sirius anymore. He isn't who he was when we walked though these halls, the guy who would do anything to pull some useless prank. We all thought that Sirius would be the least likely one to switch to Voldemort's side, but we thought wrong.

I could feel my body trembling, trying to fight the longing pain in my heart. The only friends I had were gone. Placing my hands over my mouth, I try to sustain the scream attempting to pour out of it. I won't let it escape though; I won't let it beat me. I've tried so hard to numb my body from the pain that I won't let it come back again.

Not letting it defeat me, I stand up, wipe the dust off of my already dirty robes, and I walk through the halls with as much dignity that I could muster up. I walked for hours it felt like, playing all the memories over and over again in my head.

It was first year, meeting James, Sirius, and Peter for the first time on our way to Hogwarts. They all three held their head high, ready for the journey. In my mind though, I was screaming, afraid of what was going to happen to me.

When we were all sorted into Gryffindor, I was so excited. I finally knew people, and they all accepted me for who I was even though they didn't really know me. It wasn't until second year that they found out my secret, but to my surprise, they didn't leave me; they helped me.

We ruled the school, pulling prank after prank. All the girls wanted to be with us, and all the guys wanted to be us. We were the group everyone wanted to be seen hanging out with. Throughout the years we had our fights, but in all reality we were always there for each other.

Passing the kitchens I remembered the long nights we would stay there, eating our brains out. We would talk about things we wouldn't remember in the morning. We would just talk.

As I passed the library, I started to remember the days I'd spend studying with Lily. The first time I had an actual conversation with her was when I was studying for potions. She could tell I was having trouble, and since she was so good at it, she decided to help me.

We studied together all the time after that; it was an unspoken agreement. As we got closer and closer, she became one of my best friends. She came to me when she started having feelings for James in seventh year, and I helped them get together.

I didn't tell her this, but I knew how crazy James was about her. He would talk about her for endless hours, and I guess all of those hours paid off because they finally got together and we became, if possible, even closer.

As I passed the famous 'snogging' broom cupboard, I remember my first snog with a Ravenclaw named Angelica, and we were both second years back then. That same night, the other three kept me awake talking about how I was supposed to act in front of her because they apparently had more experience with girls compared to me. (Though, I doubt Peter had even any experience at all.)

They never made fun of me that night; they acted like complete friends, giving me good advice until we all passed out. I never realized how amazing it was of them to do that for me.

I had to hold back a laugh when I passed Filch's office; the pranks we pulled on him! We would do things for the sole reason just to get caught. The glory of seeing their faces when they realized what we did was just too great. You would be amazed how many people would line up to do stupid things.

_'This will be the last stop,'_ I told myself as I arrived at the wall where the Room of Requirements is located. I closed my eyes, and while walking past the room three times I said in my mind, _'I want to go back to a place where I was happy.'_

The big door appeared in front of me. I put my hand on the large doorknob, and I walked inside. Inside were pictures after pictures of me when I was in school. There was one picture in particular that I remember that had us four on our brooms, playing a game of Quidditch. We were having the time of our lives.

Beside the picture of us four was one of Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Alice, lying beside a tree, talking. I could feel the warm breeze on my face when I closed my eyes.

It took me a good thirty minutes to get past all of the pictures, but when I did, I took a really good look at the room. Behind me, I saw a huge mirror besides the door. As I approached it I read the words on the top 'Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.'

_'The wording, -it's not English, I know that. But what is it?'_ I thought in my head as I got closer. After a few moments I gave up, and for the first time, I looked deeply into the mirror, and that was when I saw it.

There, standing right beside me, was James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily. Similes on top of all four of their faces, they all waved at me like no time has passed at all. I looked around behind me, but no one was there. I'm alone in the room, but when I look in the mirror, there they are.

Again, I look at the writing on the top of the mirror, and after ten minutes I figure it out; 'I show not your face by your hearts desire.'

So this, I realize, is what I want the most. I want my old life back, the days I could wake up knowing there was someone there for me, knowing I wasn't alone in the world.

Every single day, I wake up knowing that the four closest people in my life are either dead, or as good as dead. Knowing that their lives are over and that I'm the last of the group is depressing. No more Marauders, no more pranks, and no more late nights just talking about whatever that was on our minds.

That night I stayed there, just staring at the mirror, not speaking, not blinking, and not breathing. I didn't sleep at all. Tears spilled from my eyes until morning, and only stopped when I had to finally get ready for breakfast.

That day I was ready to face Hogwarts. I was ready to look Harry in the eyes and not feel as if I was about to cry. I'm finally ready to move on. That morning when I looked in the mirror I saw one thing, and one thing only. Harry and I bonding like his father and I did.

I no longer longed for my friends, because I now understand that what happened was meant to. Never again did I cry over my friends. It wasn't that I didn't love them anymore, but I knew they had a good life.

It took me a couple of years to realize this, but now I can finally find peace. I can walk through these halls with a smile on my face, remembering all the good times, which stomp out all of the bad.

I can finally leave the sad and broken Remus behind and be myself again.


End file.
